i know about me

I cried at the sight of “Beasts of the Southern Wild,” reminded me of my childhood. Impossible dreams, of my innocence, I thought that everything had a purpose, a reason.
The girl is the child that I have inside of me, a figured vision of the world in my mind while on the outside try to make sense of the reality that surrounds me but never leaving my sweet imaginary world. This world who calls me every day, in those moments when I’m sober from all the lies.
Finally, I have time to write a little bit, I’ve been busy with schoolwork, tests etc..
I have read quite a bit, now I’m reading a brilliant book by Gabriel García Márquez, “Memories of My Melancholy Whores”, I have tried to choose works of great aesthetic and moral value in order to improve my knowledge and culture. I read whenever I can, on the train, in the breaks. I wish I had more time and eyepiece power , to withstand the huge characters that pop into my reading..
In school, I have a lot of work, I think I can organize myself and hand them all. But there are so many.
Times have changed, and I notice the dedicated effort in finding true friends, made ​​some achievements in this area, I think I’m progressing, more benevolent and condescending to people.
I’m becoming a more complete human, more complex, with more defined tastes although I’m always open to new sensations.
I found an equilibrium point for my inspiration and I feel good with my melancholy.
I upgraded my blog’s playlist, if you want go check

A rainy day without jazz music in my ears isn’t funny

I’m starting to internalize what are the steps to build a healthy relationship.

It is time for change, change for the better, learn from mistakes and move on.

Trying to be as honest as possible for my partner. When we think too much about things we end up committing actions that we did not want, we lose people and betrayed them.

I stopped to think, enjoy every moment and stop fighting over petty things like someone arrive 15 minutes late, like disagreements, intrigues and gossips.

Not having high expectations, let that person surprised me, having the mind open to someone or a subject. Do not let emotions affect my judgment. These are the goals.

Sometimes I miss the past, and I regret many things I did, the people who I hurt deeply. I promised dream and I ruined. And now? I can do anything. apologies do not solve the mistake made, I’m sure that helps but does not solve.

I can not say that I miss you without that provoke more hope and more hope means more tears, and I do not want anymore shed tears because of me.

During my life I met good people. The best women that exist in the world, I dated a few of them but did not do everything I could have done, did not kiss enough, I did not cry what I should, I didn’t gave the love I should have given. Although I am a man quite lovely. Lacked emotion, lacked joy, lacked feeling. It lacked everything. It’s my fault.

As much as I want to I can not make everyone happy, when I realize this, I see that I am quite upset and go into a state of depression. There is no one like me. I know I could make you happy, I know I would be the man that you would love until the end of your time, but I can not. it isn’t because I do not want to but because it is wrong.

Every time I pass by you, my heart trembles, every time I think of you, my heart trembles. I care about you, I pray that one day you find a man better than me, the best man possible, and I will not be jealous because that person will be wonderful for you.

The funny thing is how life goes around and what you did not want it to happen, eventually happen, not just once but over and over.

Thank you for not being here when i need,

thank you for your drought conversations

when i tried to be kind and nice to you

i still miss you like I’m dreaming awake

because you are like bees and flowers, a sweet combination

and i know i will never have one like you

seeing your pictures makes me sick

i just want to hug you and scream why are you gone forever?

but i can’t

Last year i started my blog, i think it was the best thing that happened to me last year.

I met a lot of people here, a lot of good people, i talked a lot here and i grew here with all of you.

I know sometimes i don’t send messages, i know sometimes its boring talking to me, i have a life outside here and i have works to do but i don’t forget you, every word you said is here on heart and I‘m really grateful for your kindness and
affection.

Thank you for your love, i wish you the best in your life <3

I was walking down the street with my ex-girlfriend (she is black) and a car was going at high speed and even stopped on the way up, was full of young black males, one of them opened his window and said some stupid things, he told me to be careful and that I was showing off myself with an African girl, what he said did not make any sense, he was waiting for me to respond but I do not answer to ignorant things. He was closing the window but he had time to curse me.

I receive many messages and those that  my followers see are anonymous people asking things about sex, or saying that I am beautiful etc..

But you do not see the letters I receive that make tears in my eyes, my blog helps many girls, and I receive messages so beautiful and so sad at the same time, most as you can imagine is about racism in various cities, white boys that don’t date with black girls and black guys who want the lightest.

I did not do my blog to “hunt” girls, but to help those in need.

I always reply that there must be at least one guy who likes them for what they are and not judge them by the skin tone, I refuse to think that i am the only person they know who appreciate the beauty in the most myriad hues that nature offers us, they say I am and I give them the hope they can get someone much better than me near them.

I’m not perfect, but I believe to be close to what I always dreamed of, be true to all, without shame or humiliation.

Be as honest as possible and let my heart guide my life.

I made many mistakes, but judging others is not one of them. I try to write a lot about not judging others and  I end up being judged on my blog, but I do not take it a wrong way, is always another opportunity to show why my blog was made.

If I see a blog with a guy or a girl that put pictures of them naked, you know what I think about this? These are people who have more courage than the many others who wish to do the same.

Yes, because Many people would like to have the courage to reach that kind of boldness.

That said, love each other  and avoid judging without knowing;)

“What do you want the most in this world?

I want you to continue to smile and be happy when I am not here, because as you know, I can not stay by your side forever, but your smile can. “

“O que é que tu mais queres neste mundo?

Quero que continues a sorrir e a ser feliz quando eu aqui não estiver, porque como tu sabes, eu posso não ficar ao teu lado para sempre, mas o teu sorriso pode.”

I find myself in a whirlwind, my head will not stop, wander through unknown means bodies. I like, I find my comfort in them.
I fleetingly appear in your life but it is enough to mark you, and I am sorry that.
Here inside looks amphetamines mixed with alcohol, and I do not want stay sober.
Occasionally emerge moments of lucidity, I regret  from everything.
All the tears that you shed, duplicate my suffering, when I ask you to stop is not for you, it’s for me.
Every day, I isolate myself with music in the eardrums , i run crosswalks without looking, secretly wishing that a madman scrape me between rubber and the ground.
Do not try to cure me, I am of nobody and nobody will have me. This nobody is not you, not you, not you. This nobody is me and only me.
Resplendent beauty around me, the beauty of a kiss between two beings of the same sex, the beauty of two hands of different colors, the beauty of a hug between individuals of extreme social classes. The believer and the unbeliever agreeing that the world would be better if we could agree disagreeing.
I dream about this every day, hoping that someone shares my ideology.
Are so few the ones who understand me, thank you my dear room, wind, sun and sea in moments of reflection never failed.

Eu encontro-me num turbilhão, a minha cabeça não pára, vagueia por entre corpos meios desconhecidos. Eu gosto, acho o meu conforto neles.

Eu fugazmente apareço na tua vida mas é o suficiente para marcar-te, e eu tenho pena disso.

Cá dentro parece anfetaminas misturadas com álcool, e não me apetece ficar sóbrio.

De vez em quando momentos de lucidez sobressaem, eu arrependo-me de tudo.

Todas as lágrimas que derramaste duplicam o meu sofrimento, quando peço-te para parares não é por ti, é por mim.

Todos os dias, isolo-me com a música nos tímpanos, ultrapasso passadeiras sem olhar secretamente desejando que um louco raspe-me entre a borracha e o solo.

Não tentes curar-me, eu sou de ninguém e ninguém me terá. Esse ninguém não és tu, nem tu, nem tu. Esse ninguém sou eu e só eu.

Ao meu redor resplandece beleza, a beleza num beijo de dois seres do mesmo sexo, a beleza de duas mãos de cores diferentes, a beleza de um abraço entre indivíduos de extremas classes sociais. O crente e o não crente concordando que o mundo seria melhor se pudéssemos concordar discordando.

Eu sonho com isto todos os dias, na esperança que alguém partilhe as minhas ideologias.

São tão poucos os que me compreendem, obrigado meu querido quarto, vento, sol e mar por nos momentos de reflexão nunca me falharem. 

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