A few words
Words spoken without feeling are like promises not held.
Judgments made without relying on the truth it’s like looking in the mirror itself and find beauty where none exists. Don’t judge appearances with preconceived concepts in your head at the end of history will all be inanimate things under the earth, both who is judged as one who judges. Listen to other people’s hearts and understand their language is far more beautiful and human.
"I think about you, then I don’t think by thinking I don’t think, but I end up thinking"
"I want to travel in the tears from your eyes, understand your problems, and do everything to solve them."
"The arrows fired by your gaze make my blood pounding. Now I live and I feel. My air fades and I suffocate. Increasing the desire to see you again, my body invigorates and longs, flaming, by your sweet presence."
Just a sad day
I just need love and people in this world are so cool, they are so bad for each other.
Now in college, I have teachers so cold and so hard it makes me cry, I live in a world of cotton candy, where relationships between people are not only treated with respect, but with affection and then I find myself confronted with such harsh situations, that I feel I’m not worthy of living in this world
I lie, I lied, and I’ll keep lying. I can not stop, is a habit that suddenly builds up in a unstoppable storm, that when I find it, is already too late. I want to change, but only just telling more lies I would come out from this tremendous confusion. The people involved should know how I deal with this kind of situations.
Oh, whom I want to blame? I’m the asshole in the end.
No, no, no! I do not lie, I did not lie, ever. They do not ask, otherwise it would have been told them. Well, it can be seen as an omission, but what is wrong with that? I wanted to tell the whole truth to someone, but to my confidants only are transmitted a few fragments, the essence is with me and will die with me.
The wind blows, and I don’t change. The clouds disappear, and I don’t change. Love is gone, and I change.
Sometimes i feel i won’t be here for too long, i just feel everything with my heart, everything touch me. I’m alive and i feel. I can see the truth behind everything, every move you make i already made. If tomorrow isn’t another day, I’ll leave this world happy and sad, one lip smiling, the other bruised with wounds by my dark destiny.
Dealing with my stuff
Every text that I start, I end up deleting. It seems that everything makes sense but then just nothing more than a mess.
I see so many faces around me, so many names for who to call, but I have no courage.
No one understands me, no one cleans my tears. I can not remember the last time someone called me with the intention of spending hours talking. If it weren’t on my initiative, at this time I was already isolated and without contact with anyone.
Actually I’m a bit egocentric, doing drama, as if the world swirled around me. I’ve tried to seek help, I’ve tried to see things differently, but I always end up with this feeling. Some good phases but then I hit the bottom and I just want to disappear for a bit, climb the highest mountain and throw myself in an attempt to earn wings and fly towards the brightest star. Burn me with the warmth that no one ever gave me.
As I grow older, I realize several problems. I complete people but people can’t complete me. I do everything to make it perfect, making you feel loved even if i don’t love you. I don’t lie and yet you lie to yourself, getting the idea that I’ll never walk away. Then it is too late.
People who could complete me, are out of my reach, and there are certain things that i shouldn’t ruin, because I don’t know how right I am about this.
I am a tide of unknowns, so in the beginning I warn that I’m not good for dating. I’m good to give you affection, pleasure, hot madness.
I like people with initiative and who don’t create discussions for no reason.
I’ve made so many mistakes, and some are impossible to overcome, they will die with me.
Maybe I just was not meant to be happy but to make you happy.
Maybe I was born to pursue a cause.
I want to wake up every morning in a different bed in a different country, with different bodies. Leave a mark but not be marked, but remembering me of their faces when I leave the house without saying goodbye. Her eyes closed without realizing that I’m leaving forever.
I want to walk through a field full of flowers, lie down to look at the sky, feel a light breeze and let me die alone with all my memories.
I am a complex being, quite open but difficult to decipher.
The suffering, lives in me.
Just don’t kill myself because I know I deserve to suffer. And there is no greater grief than living with regret and incomprehension.
's All for today.
I need to cry soon, so i will need a shoulder..
In the end, I see that I always care too much. When it all come down I’ll be alone, as always am.
Who gives up is not always a coward or a weakling. It takes courage and lucidity to end up with something that made us so happy but in the end only brought us sadness.
It is just a mirage, an illusion. The question is not whether or not give ourselves to one person, the question is to know when to stop when the time comes.
Paddling against the wind is possible, but going against a tsunami of storms is just masochism.
Since when is supposed to have a relationship that is based on discussions? They can say that discussions are what makes us strong, is it? Another piece of broken heart by meaningless words, of manic stubbornness . How about an opening? Together, living in the wind and lost in the clouds. Without compulsive discussions .
After a discussion, it follows always manipulation, attempting to to impersonate a victim. Even being wrong, the person will distort the facts and thereby annihilate the sweet image that her partner has.
I’m just a broken rose, a flower full of suffering looking for a gardener who can replant me and shower me with love water, involve me, accept me as I am, with my madness, and with me traveling by the dreams that stars trace in the starry sky.
Finding the love
We think we love.
We can’t see the truth when we think we love.
Love is in another level to which we can not reach, which we devoutly believe, but that is just an illusion.
We think we love when we give all the affection to our partner. We think we love him when we think twenty-four hours per day. We think we love because that person does everything for us. We think we love, when we die of jealousy.
We think we love when our heart beats and our mind travels through thoughts until the person we think we love. We are obsessive and we don’t abdicate anything to be with him but he does. We are selfish and think that only with this person is that we reach our happiness. That is not love.
We are confronted with this issue throughout life, and only a few lucky ones might witness the true love. True love is the other person who despite all the suffering, squanders in his heart currents happiness knowing that the person who loves is happy even without him.
Sadly I am the lucky one who didn’t give the true value.
I cried at the sight of “Beasts of the Southern Wild,” reminded me of my childhood. Impossible dreams, of my innocence, I thought that everything had a purpose, a reason.
The girl is the child that I have inside of me, a figured vision of the world in my mind while on the outside try to make sense of the reality that surrounds me but never leaving my sweet imaginary world. This world who calls me every day, in those moments when I’m sober from all the lies.
Finally, I have time to write a little bit, I’ve been busy with schoolwork, tests etc..
I have read quite a bit, now I’m reading a brilliant book by Gabriel García Márquez, “Memories of My Melancholy Whores”, I have tried to choose works of great aesthetic and moral value in order to improve my knowledge and culture. I read whenever I can, on the train, in the breaks. I wish I had more time and eyepiece power , to withstand the huge characters that pop into my reading..
In school, I have a lot of work, I think I can organize myself and hand them all. But there are so many.
Times have changed, and I notice the dedicated effort in finding true friends, made some achievements in this area, I think I’m progressing, more benevolent and condescending to people.
I’m becoming a more complete human, more complex, with more defined tastes although I’m always open to new sensations.
I found an equilibrium point for my inspiration and I feel good with my melancholy.
I upgraded my blog’s playlist, if you want go check
A rainy day without jazz music in my ears isn’t funny
I’m starting to internalize what are the steps to build a healthy relationship.
It is time for change, change for the better, learn from mistakes and move on.
Trying to be as honest as possible for my partner. When we think too much about things we end up committing actions that we did not want, we lose people and betrayed them.
I stopped to think, enjoy every moment and stop fighting over petty things like someone arrive 15 minutes late, like disagreements, intrigues and gossips.
Not having high expectations, let that person surprised me, having the mind open to someone or a subject. Do not let emotions affect my judgment. These are the goals.
Sometimes I miss the past, and I regret many things I did, the people who I hurt deeply. I promised dream and I ruined. And now? I can do anything. apologies do not solve the mistake made, I’m sure that helps but does not solve.
I can not say that I miss you without that provoke more hope and more hope means more tears, and I do not want anymore shed tears because of me.
During my life I met good people. The best women that exist in the world, I dated a few of them but did not do everything I could have done, did not kiss enough, I did not cry what I should, I didn’t gave the love I should have given. Although I am a man quite lovely. Lacked emotion, lacked joy, lacked feeling. It lacked everything. It’s my fault.
As much as I want to I can not make everyone happy, when I realize this, I see that I am quite upset and go into a state of depression. There is no one like me. I know I could make you happy, I know I would be the man that you would love until the end of your time, but I can not. it isn’t because I do not want to but because it is wrong.
Every time I pass by you, my heart trembles, every time I think of you, my heart trembles. I care about you, I pray that one day you find a man better than me, the best man possible, and I will not be jealous because that person will be wonderful for you.
The funny thing is how life goes around and what you did not want it to happen, eventually happen, not just once but over and over.